Feeling Lost After Motherhood? You’re Not Empty—You’re in a Narrative Gap. Here’s How to Find Yourself Again.

Written By Rosie van der Loos

If the question “Who am I now?” keeps you up at night, you’re not alone. The transition out of intensive, hands-on motherhood can feel like being cast adrift in your own life. You were the protagonist in the all-consuming story of “Mother of Young Children,” and now that chapter is ending. What comes next?

This disorienting feeling isn’t a personal failure or a sign you’ve lost yourself. In my work as a clinical psychologist and coach, I see it for what it truly is: a narrative gap. You’re standing between two major life stories, and the next one hasn’t been written yet.

The good news? You don’t need to frantically search for a whole new identity. The raw materials for your next chapter are already within you, waiting to be uncovered. This process isn't about reinvention; it's about excavation.

In this guide, I’ll walk you through a practical, compassionate Post-Motherhood Identity Audit. We’ll dig into three key areas—your strengths, values, and interests—to help you build a concrete “Current Self Snapshot.” This is your foundation for designing a future that feels authentic, purposeful, and uniquely yours.

Part 1: Strength Archaeology – Digging for Competence in Your Everyday Life

When we think of strengths, we often look for grand achievements. For mothers emerging from the caregiving years, this can feel disheartening. The real gold is found in the mundane.

Your Excavation Tool: Ask yourself: “In the last month, where did I feel genuinely competent or effective, even in a small, ordinary moment?”

  • Mediating a sibling argument? That’s Social Intelligence and Fairness.

  • Planning the family’s complex weekly logistics? That’s Prudence and Teamwork.

  • Knowing the right thing to say to a struggling friend? That’s Kindness and Perspective.

Go Deeper with the VIA Survey: To move beyond generic skills, I recommend the free, scientifically-validated VIA Character Strengths Survey. It identifies your 24 core character strengths, like curiosity, bravery, and love of learning.

Your top five are your “signature strengths.” They are the capacities that feel most authentic and energising to use. Crucially, your bottom five are not weaknesses—they are simply strengths you call upon less often. I once saw Perseverance in my bottom three and actively worked to develop it; within months, it became a signature strength. This is the power of neuroplasticity—our brains can be rewired.

The Ultimate Clue: The State of Flow
Have you ever been so absorbed in an activity that you lost track of time? That’s flow—a state of optimal engagement where challenge meets skill. We often enter flow when using our signature strengths. If your strength is Creativity, flow might come from writing. If it’s Appreciation of Beauty, it might come from photography. Pay attention to these moments; they are direct signals from your core self.

Part 2: Values Recovery – Your Emotional Compass

If strengths are how you operate, values are your why—your internal compass. After years of prioritising your family’s needs, that compass can feel dusty.

Tool 1: The Irritation Clue
Your frustration or anger is not just a nuisance. It’s a brilliant signal that a core value is being violated. Play detective:

  • Annoyed by chronic lateness? You likely value Respect or Consideration.

  • Overwhelmed by clutter? You may hold Order or Peace dear.

  • Angered by injustice? Your value could be Fairness or Equality.

Don’t judge the emotion. Interrogate it: “What does this feeling tell me I hold sacred?”

Tool 2: The 80th Birthday Exercise
This powerful visualization builds a bridge to your Future Self, a connection proven to motivate positive, long-term decisions.

Close your eyes. Imagine your 80th birthday. The room is full of people whose lives you’ve touched. One by one, they stand to speak. Not about your resume or achievements, but about your character. How you made them feel. What you stood for.

What do you yearn to hear them say?
“She was relentlessly curious.” “Deeply loyal.” “A connector of people.” “Never lost her sense of wonder.”

The words you choose—curious, loyal, brave, grateful—are your core values. This exercise cuts through the “shoulds” and connects you to the legacy you’re already building day by day.

Part 3: Interest Archaeology – Uncovering Old Sparks & Finding New Ones

Interests are the sparks that could ignite your next chapter. We start by looking back, without judgment.

Ask: “What did I get lost in before kids?” Reading fantasy novels? Analysing data? Painting? The activity matters less than the state of absorption and curiosity it created.

Next, follow your attentional breadcrumbs today. What do you click on when scrolling? What podcast topics draw you in?

If the past feels distant and the present feels blank, adopt the mindset of a Curiosity Collector:

  1. The 30-Minute Micro-Experiment: Each week, spend 30 minutes trying a “beginner version” of something. Follow a sketch tutorial, learn three guitar chords, write a haiku. The goal is to sample the experience, not achieve proficiency.

  2. Follow the “And” Trail: Combine your strengths and values. Love of Learning + Growth = try a short course. Kindness + Community = explore local volunteering.

  3. Re-purpose the Parenting Portal: Look at the worlds you’ve inhabited through your children’s activities—sport, music, art—through your own adult eyes. Does the strategy, creativity, or science within them intrigue you now?

Your Final Step: The “Current Self Snapshot”

The goal isn’t to replace “Mother” with one new label. It’s to build a rich, layered identity using the “And” Principle. You are Mother and a Strategic Planner and a Connector and a Novice Gardener.

Synthesise your excavation into a one-page Current Self Snapshot:

Title: Who I Am Right Now – My Raw Materials

  • My Signature Strengths: (List your top 5 from the VIA or your own archaeology)

  • My Core Values: (3-5 words from your 80th birthday)

  • My Interest Sparks: (2-3 old or new curiosities)

This document is not your final destination. It is your starting point. It is the tangible proof that you are not empty, but a site rich with resources, ready for conscious design.

From Excavation to Architecture

Holding your Snapshot changes everything. It transforms a vague “I want something more” into a clear direction. It turns a fraught conversation with a partner into a strategic ask: “I’ve realised I thrive using teamwork and value contribution. I’m curious about food security. Could we discuss me volunteering one Saturday a month?”

This is the foundation of legacy architecture. You are moving from being the reactor in your life to becoming its architect.

Your mission this week: Complete just one section of your Snapshot. Take the VIA survey. Do the 80th birthday exercise. Try one 30-minute micro-experiment. One piece of self-data is a monumental triumph.

You weren’t lost. You were building. And now, you have the tools to build with intention.

Ready to go from insight to action? This blog post is based on Episode 8: The Identity Excavation of The Strategic Transformation Podcast. For more depth, stories, and guidance, see links to the Podcast below.

For mothers ready to build their blueprint in a supported community, this is the foundational work we do in The Legacy System. [Learn more about the program here].

Links: 

Connect with Rosie:
Website: https://www.strategictransformation.com.au/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/strategic.transformation/
The Strategic Transformation Podcast: [Apple Podcasts] | [Spotify] | [YouTube]

DISCLAIMER:
The content shared here is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended as a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or therapeutic advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your own qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition.

Rosie van der Loos
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